GLOCESTER, TOWN OF
POLICE CHIEF: For the Town of Glocester, RI. Population 10,499. Direct, plan and manage all functions and operations of the Police Dept. Supervise 13 officers, 5 civilian dispatchers, and Animal Control Dept. Minimum of bachelor’s degree with five years experience including major command responsibility. Applications available at and must be submitted with letters and resumes by Wed., 1/20/2010 to: Town of Glocester, Personnel Office, P.O. Box B, 1145 Putnam Pike, Chepachet, RI 02814. EOE
Earlier this month, Glocester Police Chief Jamie Hainsworth submitted his resignation to the Town Council and will leave his post to become a senior advocate for Mother’s Against Drunk Driving (MADD.) This leaves the town with the unenviable task of locating a suitable, experienced leader for the department while at the same time controlling spiraling personnel costs within a tight budget. Interested candidates must act quickly — the deadline for applications is next Wednesday. Here are a few quick suggestions:
Chief Martin Brody — Experienced small town police chief. Family man, but no friend to tourism.
Chief Miles O’Hara — Vast experience fighting organized crime in Gotham City may not be what we need, but having a friend like Batman can’t hurt.
Chief Marge Gunderson — A native of Fargo, North Dakota, Marge is a competent, polite small-city police chief capable of bringing down murderers even seven months pregnant.
Chief Clancy Wiggum — Devoted single dad with a special needs son who would benefit from our school system. Rumors of corruption and graft in hometown of Springfield are troublesome. Can be gotten cheaply if donuts are included in the contract.
Chief — Exceptional counter-intelligence experience for our federal government may be just what our local conspiracy theorists need. No stranger to subordinates who constantly screw-up. First and last names are classified.
Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus — International law experience in Paris chasing jewel thieves. Tends to become obsessive and self-injurious with well documented history of mental illness.
Sheriff Buford Pusser — From McNairy County, Tennessee, Pusser is well-known for being incorruptible and intolerant of crime, though a bit violent. His expert use of a four-foot hickory stick might be useful during annual budget meetings.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice — Employed as a Texas county sheriff with particular experience in bootlegging and traffic control.
Sheriff Andy Taylor — As Mayberry, North Carolina’s sherriff, Taylor is a highly respected member of his church and community, and like Wiggum, is also a single parent. Taylor has little experience with violent crime, outside handling a little public drunkenness or moonshining. He would likely be impressed with Glocester’s natural surroundings, fishin’ holes and picnicin’ groves, but may be disappointed to find no movie theater. His tendency to delegate to incompetent subordinates is concerning.